Making a decision about an unplanned pregnancy can be very difficult for the woman who is making the choice and it can be difficult for her partner, friends, and family members who may also be affected by the pregnancy.  When a woman chooses to have an abortion, it is important for the people close to her to know what their role is during and after the surgery.  Counsellors, doctors, and nurses may be involved in supporting a woman during the decision making process and the actual surgery but their involvement will only last a short time.  The people in a woman’s life when she returns home after an abortion are those she may be looking to for longer-term support.  The acceptance and support of the people who are close to her can be very important to a woman’s well being after an abortion.

Often people think that all women become sad and depressed or feel very guilty after an abortion but this is not always the case.  Most women actually feel relieved.  If the decision went against her basic beliefs she may feel depressed, angry, or ashamed.  In order to support a woman during this very emotional time, the following list of “do’s and don’ts” may be helpful.

DO      let the woman know that she is not a bad person because she had an abortion.  Let her know that you still accept and respect her, and what she has gone through has not made you dislike her.  If she is hard on herself and being very negative, it is important to emphasize her good points while allowing her to express her feelings.

DO      let the woman know that she made the best choice she could in the situation that she was in.  Most women do not feel guilty about their decision but it is very natural for them to look back and wonder if they made the best choice.  If the woman is not sure she made the best choice, you can help by reminding her of all the things she considered when she was trying to make her decision and the reasons she had for making the choice she did.  If you do not agree with the choice she made remember that you are not living her life and you can never really know the full impact of all the factors that influenced her decision.

Some people are surprised to find out what kind of women are having abortions.  These women are not “bad” or “immoral,” they are just normal people who are faced with some difficult circumstances.  Here are a few examples of women who have been to OPTIONS for counselling over the last few years and have chosen to have an abortion:

4       religious people who are involved in their churches: Baptists, Catholics, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Jehovah Witnesses, Pentecostals, Jews, and others.

4       people who are involved with anti-abortion or “right to life” groups.

4       teachers, lawyers, doctors, day care workers, nurses, homemakers, students.  Basically women from every possible line of work have chosen abortion.

4       women who already have and love children of their own.

4       grandmothers who became pregnant during menopause.

It is impossible to generalize about the “type” of woman who has an abortion.  Women of every race, religion, and socio-economic group have chosen to have an abortion.

Other Important Do’s and Don’ts

DO           let her know whether or not you are willing to listen if she wants to talk.

DON’T    try to make her talk if she lets you know that she does not want to.  She may not know how to tell you what she is feeling, or she may want to think things over herself before she puts her thoughts into words and involves you.

If you find that you are confused about the situation, don’t try to pretend that you’re not.  If you’re having trouble dealing with your own feelings, you probably are not in a position to be able to handle dealing with her feelings.  You do not have to be the only person that she can turn to for help.  There is nothing wrong with suggesting that she, and/or you see a counsellor for help.  Good counsellors are there to listen and offer help without being critical.  It does not mean that you are “weak” or have “mental” problems if you need someone to talk to.  Also, counselling does not have to be expensive.  When choosing a counsellor to help you deal with feelings about abortion, make sure that you choose a counsellor who is pro-choice -- someone who is comfortable with women choosing to have an abortion.  The counsellors at OPTIONS are all pro-choice and can also make a referral for you to a number of pro-choice counsellors who work in and around the Edmonton area.  Call 780-423-3737 to make an appointment.

Special Information for Parents

Here are some examples of what parents often say when they find out about their daughter’s unplanned pregnancy:

4       “I thought she knew better.”  (disappointment)

4       “I trusted her and just look what happened.  I should have known better!”  (parents feel let down)

4       “She’s had her fun and now I’m supposed to help her get out of trouble.”  (anger)

Parents should try to identify whether they are disappointed or angry because their daughter is pregnant or because she is sexually active.  Whatever the reason, try to realize that it was not all her fault; it takes two to create a pregnancy.  Also, for many people today, both young and old, having sex before marriage is nothing to be ashamed of.  This does not mean that you personally have to approve of sex before marriage; it just reflects the changing society we live in.  Remember that all of us are sexual beings, including our children.

4       “She doesn’t care what I think, she’ll do whatever she wants anyway.”  (rejection)

4       “I tried to teach my daughter what is right and wrong and now this happens.  I guess I didn’t do a very good job.”  (sense of failure)

Remember that the values and morals you have as a parent may not be the same as your daughter’s.  This does not mean that she does not accept you, only that she does not accept all of your values and morals.  It also doesn’t mean that she rejects everything you tried to teach her.  Your daughter is a unique individual who has her own values, morals, and beliefs.

4       “I wonder what else she’s done that I don’t know about.”  (fear and distrust)

All of us have done things that we know our parents did not want us to do.  Doing these things does not mean that we didn’t love or respect our parents; it just meant that we were trying to live our lives our own way.  Sometimes when faced with a serious situation like a pregnant daughter, parents can forget how they were different from their own parents while growing up.

4       “I will make sure this never happens again.  No more staying out late or going out on dates for her!”  (parent is being controlling and overprotective; this is usually connected to the parent’s own feelings of failure or inadequacy)

Trying to control your daughter’s life is not the answer; as a parent you can’t know what your daughter is doing every minute of the day and the effort to do so would be exhausting for you both.  Also, by trying to control your children, you run the risk of having them turn against you.  Overprotecting your daughter is not the answer either.  If you try to protect your children too much, they will not learn how to think for themselves and make their own choices in life as they grow older.  Of course your children are going to make mistakes and they will have to deal with the consequences - that’s all part of growing up!  Remember that no parent is “to blame” for their child’s behaviour.

4       “I have always been against abortion and here I am helping my daughter to have one.”  (the parent feels shame)

If you have thought that abortions are wrong then you might feel guilt or anger after your daughter’s surgery.  Maybe this is the time for you to re-think your beliefs about abortion and the types of women who have them.  Is it really true that it is evil to choose to have an abortion?  How ethical is it to bring an unwanted child into this world or to force women who may be unprepared physically, emotionally, or financially to go through a pregnancy and/or parent a child?  How does your daughter feel about these issues?

A lot of people feel that if a mother or the baby are at risk physically or emotionally, an abortion may be the best choice.  In fact, there are many reasons why people might see abortion as a good choice.  The point is that choosing to have an abortion is not necessarily a bad decision and women who have abortions are not bad people.

Special Do’s and Don’ts For Parents

DON’T    go on and on about being hurt or upset by your daughter’s unplanned pregnancy and what you see as her careless or irresponsible behaviour.  Let her know that you have made mistakes in your life and that you learned from those mistakes just like she will.

DON’T    keep reminding her that you hope she has “learned her lesson” and that it will never happen again.  This is really unnecessary because your daughter is probably telling herself exactly the same thing.  After all, no one wants to go through one unwanted pregnancy experience let alone a second.

DO           allow her to see her partner if she wants to.  Most women would like to have his support after the abortion.  Those women who have support from their male partner before, during, or after the surgery tend to feel a lot better about the whole experience.  If your daughter does not want to see him she can make that choice for herself; but, do not put yourself in the position of depriving her of this important source of emotional support.

DO           remember that your daughter does not need to be punished.  She has already had a hard enough time, and is probably already punishing herself.  The most important thing you can do for her is let her know that you still love her and accept her as your daughter.  Tell her and show her your love and respect.

DON’T    expect your daughter to forget about the abortion.  There is no “magic” time when she will stop talking or thinking about it; emotional healing is an individual experience.  Many women feel “back to normal” right away while others need a longer time to process their feelings about the pregnancy and the abortion.  If you are concerned about your daughter’s behaviour after the surgery, here are some signs of depression to watch for:

-         spending more time than usual in her room and/or alone

-         loss of appetite or weight gain

-         trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping

-         crying more than usual

-         loss of interest in school, friends, work, or anything else that was important to her prior to the surgery

-         negative thoughts or feelings about herself

*If you notice these things happening with your daughter, you can try asking her how she’s feeling and if there is anything you can do to help.  If she is unwilling or unable to talk to you about what’s bothering her you could try suggesting that she talk to a counsellor.  There are counsellors at OPTIONS who may be able to help.

DO      understand that after an abortion the woman’s body is changing from being pregnant to not being pregnant.  This can cause the woman’s feelings and “moods” to go through changes that may appear similar to the postpartum depression that some women experience after giving birth.  Not every woman experiences negative feelings after an abortion.  Two weeks after the surgery your daughter’s body should be back to it’s non-pregnant state and the fluctuations in her mood should be somewhat more stable.

DO      help your daughter if she is focusing on negative feelings around the abortion by reminding her why she chose to have the abortion and that she made the best choice she could under the circumstances.  She may still need to express her feelings of pain, anger, and confusion about her loss and it will help her to know that you still support her choice.

DO      read the handout she is given for post-abortion care.  These handouts will tell you and your daughter about problems she may have after the surgery and when to seek further medical attention if needed.

Most women find that they do not need to rest in bed or take a lot of time off work or school after an abortion.  It is suggested that women refrain from any heavy exercise and follow the post-abortion instructions for the first two weeks after the surgery.  If you have any further questions about your daughter’s care after an abortion you can call the clinic.

Special Information for a Woman’s Partner

Your feelings

You can help your partner the most by helping yourself first.  Explore your own thoughts and feelings about the abortion.  You may feel angry, sad, sorry, hurt, relieved, numb, or something else.  After you understand how you feel, tell your partner about it.  Too many men try to hide their feelings and end up unhappy and unable to communicate with their partners.  Most women would like to know how their partner is feeling.

Your feelings about the relationship

Tell your partner how you feel about the relationship after the abortion.  It is great if you feel love and respect for her after the surgery, but, if you don’t, you should be honest about that.  If you hide your feelings from her you’ll both end up getting hurt in the end.  If you plan on ending the relationship, tell her as soon as you’re sure that’s what you want to do; she has enough on her mind without trying to guess what is happing between the two of you.  Some couples have found that going through the process of deciding about the abortion has brought them closer together and others have found that it led to their relationship ending.  Usually if you and your partner had a strong relationship prior to the surgery it is more likely to continue afterwards.  If the relationship ends, this can be scary and sad; however, trying to make the relationship work if the feelings aren’t there anymore can be much more painful in the long run.

Affection and sex

If you feel close to and attracted to your partner don’t hesitate to tell her and show her affection.  If she backs away, do not rush her.  Try to talk about what’s going on.  Some women want to be held and touched by their partner right after the surgery, while others don’t want to be touched at all for the first few weeks until they have had time to recover physically and emotionally.  You might feel rejected by this behaviour but try to remember that women often have no interest in sex for a while after the abortion.  This may not have anything to do with you or anything you’ve done, it’s just a normal part of a woman’s healing process.  It is important to respect your partner’s limits regarding sexual behaviour.

Some men don’t want to touch their partner after an abortion because of their own feelings about the procedure and/or they may feel guilty about the pregnancy.  Remember that the pregnancy is the result of both people’s behaviour; the responsibility is shared equally between you.

*Remember that, because of the risk of infection, you should NOT have intercourse with your partner for two weeks after the abortion, or until she has gone to the doctor for a post abortion check-up.

Mood swings

A woman’s hormones change after an abortion because her body is returning to its non-pregnant state.  These hormones have an effect on her moods, so the woman may experience mood swings after her surgery.  The changes in the hormone levels of the body are usually completed within ten days after the surgery and the woman’s moods should begin to stabilize.

Showing that you care

It is good to be interested in how your partner is feeling but don’t overdo it.  Asking her how she feels all the time can become irritating instead of helping her feel better.  Most women enjoy it when their partner’s do something special for them, such as giving them a small gift, cooking dinner, or any other nice surprise.  Even small things can help her feel better, which in turn will probably help you feel better.  Remember, if you are feeling confused and helpless about how to support your partner OPTIONS has counsellors who can assist you by listening to your concerns and making suggestions.

It is also helpful for you to read the post-abortion instructions and support your partner in following them.  For instance, she will need your cooperation in avoiding sexual intercourse for two weeks following the surgery.  You can also help by making sure she gets to her post-abortion check-up in three weeks and help out with the payment of any fees (i.e./birth control, etc.).

If she feels guilty

Not all women have feelings of guilt after an abortion but some do.  If she lets you know that she feels guilty or is being hard on herself, you can help her feel better by reassuring her that she is a good, lovable, and loving person and that having an abortion has not changed that.  After an abortion, your partner’s self respect may be quite low so it is important that you help her feel good about herself again.

If you are feeling guilty

If you feel guilty and she doesn’t, don’t try and make her to feel the same way you do.  It is okay for you to tell her how you feel but don’t expect her to feel the same way.  If you are having a lot of difficult feelings, it may be better for you to talk to a friend or counselor before you talk to your partner; if all your talk involves grief or guilt, your partner may end up feeling badly in the end.  You can have as many or more feelings about the abortion as your partner.  Your feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged so that you can move forward in your own healing.

      Ask yourself “Why do I feel guilty?”  Some men have said that they feel this way because:

4       “All I had to do was sit in a waiting room while she had to go through the procedure.  I had it too easy!”

4       “I got her pregnant.  I know that it took both of us to have a pregnancy but I feel the most at fault.  I should have prevented the pregnancy and I didn’t”

If you think that you had it too easy during this time or that the pregnancy is all your fault, then you may feel powerless as well as guilty.  Instead of only thinking about what you can’t do (like have the abortion yourself) or how you are at fault, try and focus on what you can do to help your partner and yourself through this difficult time.  You can look to the future and try to see how you can avoid ending up in this situation again.  Find out accurate information about the different birth control methods available to you and your partner.  What are their effectiveness rates?  How can you both share the cost?  After an abortion, a woman is usually able to get pregnant right away so learning how to avoid another unplanned pregnancy is very important.

4       “I’ve always believed that having an abortion is wrong and that only bad people have them-yet here I am!”

If you didn’t believe in abortion then you are probably feeling bad about yourself and your partner.  Try and think about what your beliefs around abortion have been in the past.  Have these beliefs changed at all?  Is it really wrong to have one?  Is it true that only bad people have them?  Most men and women who come to OPTIONS for counselling say that they would feel worse about bringing an unwanted child into the world whom they don’t feel love for and aren’t prepared emotionally or financially to care for than they would about having an abortion.  Many have also said that if continuing with the pregnancy would put the woman’s or the baby’s emotional and/or physical health in danger, abortion may be the better choice.  There are many reasons why people view abortion as the best choice given their current circumstances.

Having an abortion can be a wise decision, even though it may not be a happy one.  If you find yourself constantly questioning the decision your partner (and you) made; here are some things that may help:

4       Remind yourself why she (and you) thought that an abortion was a good choice given your current circumstances.  Help her remember why she decided to have the abortion and give her credit for standing by her choice.  You both did the best you could in a difficult situation.

4       If you did not think that an abortion was the best idea and she did, your feelings for her must have been important enough for you to go remain in the relationship.  Even so, you will probably have to deal with some conflicting feelings after the abortion.  On one hand you may feel she and your relationship are important to you, while, on the other hand, it may seem that by going through with the abortion, your partner was rejecting your feelings.  You may feel sad or angry that she is having the surgery, even though you know she acted according to her own values.  By reading this handout and accompanying her to the clinic for the abortion you will show her that you care and are trying to be supportive.  At the same time you may be questioning:

-         if your feelings for her will change.

-         if you can understand, accept, and respect her right to make the decision.

-         if you want to remain in the relationship in spite of the differences in you values around this issue.

-         if you have a future together.

These are all valid questions that you both might be thinking about.  By answering these questions, you may find out more about yourself and your relationship.  Sometimes it can be hard to face the truth and discuss things openly, but it is important to do so.  It is better to be open and honest with yourself and your partner right now, especially about the abortion.  If you try to just forget the whole thing or pretend it didn’t happen, you’ll be more likely to hurt your partner and yourself by your denial because your true feelings may come out in your behaviour (i.e./sulking, withdrawing affection, bringing up the abortion during arguments, etc.).  Through discussing your feelings openly with your partner, you may decide that the differences between you are too great to keep the relationship together.  Or, you may decide that the relationship is important and strong enough to continue.  Being willing to talk about a difficult situation with the people you care for can make a tremendous difference.  Learning to understand and share your feelings can be important for the rest of your life, as well as for resolving this experience.

Emotional support

No one expects you to “make it all better” for your partner after her abortion.  She is responsible for her own feelings and you are responsible for yours.  Try to make it clear what you can and cannot do for her depending on your own emotional state after the procedure.  Don’t expect your partner to pay more attention to your needs than her own; she needs to focus on her own healing and doesn’t need the added responsibility of taking care of you as well.  Please call us at OPTIONS Sexual Health Association @ 780-423-3737 if you need someone to talk to.